THIS IS WHY MEN DON’T HAVE BABIES

Hello again brothers and sisters. Can you guys imagine checking for testicular cancer by having your balls slammed between two slabs of lead? I mean, we get an inadvertent tap out on the basketball court and we’re down. Ever caught a baseball game, squatted down, blocked one in the dirt and realized you forgot your cup? Goodbye more kids, hello soprano in your church choir. Do you remember a cheap shot artist who’s favorite move was to kick you in the nads and run away? I learned to have a great deal of respect for women’s hardships after watching my mother, a young widow, raising five rather rambunctious children on her own. She often had the worst shifts, lesser pay and much more verbal and mental abuse than her male counterparts. Once it became known that four of her five children were very protective sons much, if not all of the verbal abuse stopped . It being the height of ‘The customer is always right’ workplace’ there was a lot more abuse by customers, much less defense by middle and up management and rare defense of the female staff by their male counterparts. So started an era of feminism in all walks of life from business to sports. Go Billie Jean. Those of us who have shared in the birth of large infants may have at least some idea of the effort and pain that accompanies the act that plays out inside a woman’s body. My own first child was a rather large infant, especially for a girl. So large in fact that they had to use the salad forks.That’s probably not the real name of the implements but if you’ve seen ’em…..salad forks right? Now if her head wouldn’t fit through in the first place why are they taking up canal space with the forks. Maybe some of us shouldn’t have been allowed in the birthing room.

My next child was even bbiiggeerr (that means way bigger). So same doctor, hospital, etc. and here we go. There’s no real movement towards birth and he’s still growing in there so they induce. Now you non-fathers or those of you who have wives or lovers lucky enough not to need this method of beginning labor can skip ahead. This drug (Petossin) must have been developed by a man also. This causes the womb and birth canal to rhythmically contract and relax. Picture internal CPR without the kissing. Administered by George ‘the Animals Steele! These contractions are brutal!!

Okay, back to child number two, my son. The gynecologist and delivery doctor both know this guy is over two feet long and nearly three pounds heavier than his older little sister. Okay, much larger child, little sister needed salad forks and wound up with a displaced hip. Using really painful drugs to induce my son to try to get through a birth canal his sister had to be dragged through. For two hours they let him literally bang his head against her wall. Two hours!! So all the medicos in the room finally look at each other and say C-section. Two f…..g hours and now, only now, do they say C-section!! Apparently they didn’t notice the gleam in my eye.

Okay, I mop the sweat from my exhausted wife’s face and neck. No water sips ’cause now it’s surgery, she can moisten her lips with a sponge. The contractions are still rolling and it’s taking 20 – 30 minutes to get the surgical team in place. First comes anesthesia, an epidural in this case. I’ve had quite a few of these and I gotta tell ya, first one, cried like a little girl. I got to blame my reaction on the ruptured discs but ‘eh, they’re rough. Okay, Mr. Anesthesia gets the catheter, which is the needle tip which is inserted into the nerve that will numb Mrs from the waist down.

Okay. 13 pounds of kid wanting out, two hours of vaginal wall head banging, brutal chemically induced contractions, she’s been on this table for six hours all told, the insert for the anesthesia is in place, Dr Painkiller leans in with the needle anddddd……Stops! Turns to one of the nurses assisting and says “Did I tell you I was heading for the Bahamas?” Now I’m certain he sees the gleam in my eyes because I’ve grabbed him by the impeccable Windsor knot in his tie and dragged him halfway across my wife in her hospital bed and I said and I quote ”Put the fucking med in or I will end you!”. The surgery went smooth and quickly after that. HUGE boy, so big they had to put lamps on him because he had used up all the oxygen available in the womb. So big he burned his nose on the lamps above and was charged with assault by the kid in the tank next to him.

All this to show what they all called a fairly normal birth for my son.. Now, let’s look at where the stars at night are big and bright deep in the heart of Texas, yee-haw! I have to say the husbands and boyfriends are showing remarkable restraint I would have never been able to muster. Especially since you can carry a howitzer anywhere you go in Texas! I used to think it was the heat, something in the water and that friggin’ Lonestar Beer that made you folks nuts. It’s the damned government doing it!! Ken Paxton.I don’t know what it costs or who he may have had to perform a service for/on to become the state’s attorney general but I’m hoping it was the cash Because I don’t want the other picture in my mind. Although judging by his behavior and total lack of ability to interpret a law he had input in forming (all the while facing impeachment) really says to me it was money AND service well spent.

Okay, back on topic. We’re on the veranda sipping a three olive martini when the word arrives a doctor has authorized an abortion! “Hot damn! Call staff to get paper, radio and TV news groups to the office!” I’m a bit surprised he didn’t ask her race as well. Guess we’ll find out soon enough. Below we hear that feared and sometimes fatal call, ” Hi – Ho Bewilder!”. That dread call, to repeat, sometimes fatal call that strikes fear in the hearts of plaintiffs as well as sometimes barristers, heard to exclaim “WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT?” Let’s look at the case of Mrs. Cox. A mother of two, wanting it to be mother of 3 or 4 or more, is dealt an awful blow that probably took her to her bedside on her knees with some, if not all, of her family to ask their lord why this had happened. I don’t need to nor want to delve into her or her families lives. The only people who have that right are the folks invited in.. If not for her brave attempt to do what’s supposed to be right deep in the State of Texas, Home of the Brave and Land of the Fr@×#÷=%/%*@ (excuse me, kinda gagging on that free part) we probably wouldn’t have heard of this truly remarkable woman, putting herself out there, knowing she will face derision and contempt from some of her fellow big hearted Texans. Only now her horrible situation has gone nationwide where probably thousands or more will want to throw stones as well. But now the uplifting part of the tale that could save hundreds – thousands?, of Texas families or women in other states where elected officials and religious zealots are out to interfere in others’ lives. And if somehow their Christian God would banish her to hell for making a truly, maternally heartbreaking decisions to not die, to save a fetus from torture outside her womb and to hold out hope to possibly have more healthy children I have to say fuck you stones throwers and fuck any god capable of judging Ms Cox in this horrible situation. Ooh, too harsh? Blue collar blog and rememer, I told ya, I’m dying. For worse, I’m sure certainly not for better, I’m not behaving like the gentleman Joe Biden has proven himself to be. Almost all the Democrats as well, the Independents (the lady and the gentlemen) and even a few of the House and Senate Republicans have shown themselves to be truly courteous, fair spoken folks. But since our President and other plain ‘ol good guys and women can only go so far verbally it’s left for a crude, boorish ass like me to say. I wish ill and a hysterectomy(yes, that’s what I meant)on Mr. Paxton, the Texas Governor, The MAGA gerrymandered Texas Congress and the Texas Supreme Court. May as well throw in a few of you Federal lawmakers as well.

Back to topic. Do women (and men who haven’t taken this route) know that when a man has a vasectomy he usually sits on a bag of ice for a few days and misses a good deal of work? Not all men mind you, but the less masochistic of us take it easy for a while. I’ve been trying to find a correlation between mens genitalia and women’s. There aren’t many. One of the male drawbacks is the fact our genitals are outside our bodies and a little easier to damage . We have a prostate located between our testicles and our anus, women have Skene’s gland. If you asked a woman age oh, say 20 – 40 years of age, I bet at least sixty to seventy percent would be able to know the whereabouts of the male’s gear. If you asked a man, same span of years, they’d probably take a flyer and say the same area, figuring they’d equate one for the other maybe 80% of the time. The other 20%, exclusive of physicians, would ask you to spell it, pronounce it and use it in a sentence. Honestly, I’m no saint. I suffered from an overdose of “Machismo” as well, probably the reason my first wife left me. Until I was so bent, folded an mutilated that I had free time to pay attention and a daughter who had grown to be quite a young lady, did I realize that other than Queen Elizabeth ll and Princess Anne, Lady Diana, and most of the rest of those fairer sex royals how badly women had been screwed for ever! First caveman with a club! My wife just pointed something out for me, gods bless her. Screwed in that sentence was really worth a dope slap to the back of the head. Ladies,I apologize. Please forgive me. Oh, that’s right, the cowardly ex-pres and the running man, Josh Hawley said it’s UNMANLY to apologize. Tell ya what manly ex president Donald J Trump (like on your arrest warrant), we’ll find a ring, stadium, front steps of the Capitol and I’ll drag my ,M.S. wearing, cancer dodging, surgical non-candidate for 6 pinched nerves between back and neck, three or four cardiac surgeries, current congestive heart failure, repaired knees and shoulders, one and a half cardiac arteries available, five foot six, hundred and sixteen pound 66 year old bag of bones wherever you want and I’ll kick the shit out of your six foot two, looks about two hundred eighty, fake spray orange Oompa Loompa, draft dodging, one McD’s cheeseburger away from a coronary, picking on, no, sexually assaulting petite woman, so attractive you have to PAY playmates AND porn actresses to let you jiggle 3 minutes and squirt, anti-semitic, bigoted, Nazi SS wannabe, US military offending ass.

Please forgive me again ladies, that had nothing to do with the terrible injustice you’ve been suffering now more than ever. How can you possibly get a fair shake considering the state of our judicial system. The old Supreme Court Justice who’s run in with Anita Hill somehow magically disappeared. One would think it probably had something do with his high moral and ethical principles. We’re still looking into those personal factors. How ’bout Brett, another sweetheart. Out of consideration for wife we’re not gonna. get into it aside from his interviews where he convinced most of the national audience he really meant it when he said precedent and past practice really mattered to him. Unfortunately, my biggest disappointment is Ms Barrett. I would have loved to have seen and heard the discussion concerning Roe v Wade while monstress of justice RBG still held her seat. She could have and would have sent any or all of them crying home to mommy. The nation has seen, though not always admitted, that blind Madame Justice is, in large part, watching the largest portion of that once August body defecate on her scales. In hindsight, isn’t that what Trump sent a mob to do to Capitol’s rotunda?

I’m very sorry Ms Cox as I have yet AGAIN wandered away from my intended point of discussion. My better half and my better spirits are telling me to get out of this before I do you any more disservice. We’re both so very sorry for your loss and your abuse. I hope you and yours can find comfort and peace somewhere. For you foul,malignant, abusive bastards (and bitches), I got something for your stocking and it ain’t a lump of coal.

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