HANG ON TO THAT TANNING OIL DONNIE

It doesn’t happen often but I gotta hand it to ya Donnie, you put people to work. The writers for the late night guys? Rolling on the floor, making love to the material you’ve given them. And this ain’t no one night stand, no sir! Between your defense, your in court behavior, your rants from the courthouse cattle pens and your rallies, oh gods, they’re set til November. And the new grist you’ll supply leading up to November, SNL alone is supplied for at least 3-4 skits a week! Oh Mr Chump, thank you, thank you, thank you. And I say that with a tear in my eye. We’re gonna need a new emoji for you.

For the last nine years plus, my wonderful wife has been pleading with me not to bring politics up with family, friends, my medical teams and definitely not the lawyers and judges she shepherds through their learning every year. But ya know what? A man with more felonies than me does NOT get to attempt to gain the title POTUS without my darts sticking in his ass. Hell, he can’t even vote in his home state. He is a character from Animal House 2024. Picture a face on shot (orange of course) of him bent over the end of his bunk, softening behind him to his shorts around his knees and a black or brown man givin’ him some lovin’ while Donnie repeats over and over “Please sir, may I have another” until the motion stops and Chump smiles and says “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!” Wrong genre? How ’bout commercials?

Extreme close-up of Chump nodding off in the courtroom. An eye twitches, then his nose and then …..his tongue slowly slides out and licks his lips. Timed for the last 20 secs, mist wafts from his ears building into a translucent cloud above his head containing a serving tray with a stack of McDonald’s cheeseburgers, a carton of fries and a large diet Coca-Cola. As the cloud builds a smirks builds on Mr Chump’s lips. Fade out with the Jan 6th prison choir humming that badda bum bump bump jingle. Too busy for a 30 second Commercial? How about ….

Chump standing in front of any arena with tear-gassed fans sprawled around his feet, holding an upside down box of cereal owned by one of his butt buddies, preferably a box blending with Chump’s orange face. He straightens his shoulders, tries to stand tall and says, for instance “Wheaties, Donnie Chump’s breakfast of self-proclaimed champions”

Still not it? He’d make a pretty good Marvel Comics villain. I mean, as long as he didn’t have to walk too fast or read a teleprompter or remember 7 words. Yeah, okay, my bad. Let me think on it awhile. There must be something he can do given all the talents he self proclaimed. Wait, w a i t….I got it!!! Do you remember the SNL Jon Lovett character, the pathological liar? I must be um, um….the President, that’s it. Yeah I’m the president but it was stolen, that’s the ticket, yeah. That should live til the middle of November when we see what happens next. Maybe a Maybelline commercial for makeup remover to stash a few IRS bucks on the side. If it goes sideways he can blame Barron. He’s a first time offender, they’ll go light on him. We can throw his mother in as well, she’s a makeup kinda broad. She’s still pissy about porn in the pj’s anyway. That probably violates the pre-nup too. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Oh Donnie, you’re a genius. Could be a serial like “Soap” or “Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman”. Oh Donnie, you’re a genius. We’ll find an agent that works cheap. Maybe one of those disgraced Secret Service agents. What? Wrong kinda agent? We’ll find one. Maybe Michael Cohen learned his lesson and realizes he’s nothing without Donnie Da Chump! It could happen.